Dear diary,
I'm not sure what to write nor what to think for you. It's not that my mind has gone blank, but I just don't have the mood for writing. Still, I've opened it and somehow I just went on typing and typing like a habit. I love writing, but I have to admit that I'm not good at it, so I just write for the sake of it. Writing can be fun, but can be a nightmare sometimes if I'm under an exam or something like that.
I don't know how many times I've written this sentence, but here it goes again: Recently there has been so much going on and I don't know how to handle it all. The exam is coming, but I feel like I should practice listening and speaking a little bit more. I wish I could be offered the scholarship for the PhD studies. I'm desperate. I really want to further my studies, but it's damn hard, and imagine reading all those literature to put in your words, it's driving me crazy. Oh well, though there can be difficulties, I have to overcome them because I have no choice but to continue.
I discovered the term "edgelord" today. It's a phrase that describes a person whose viewpoints are rather shocking, controversial because they adopt a nihilistic approach to their perspectives. I don't know if I'm one of them. I've been facing a lot of anxiety ever since I was diagnosed with that illness (Woohoo, I can finally use the present perfect continuous correctly!). It's hard to tell people, and I know it's too negative for me. I hate being like that, and I hate spreading that to people around me. Am I still who I am? Have I changed to someone else? I think I might have.
I find peace in this coffee shop. Just another week and boom, I will have finished teaching at this university by then. One of the things that I probably regret while staying here was that I couldn't have brought them a much better lesson. Nevertheless, I think I've learned a lot during this course. I realised that English is not 'learnable' for some students because that's not what they wish to pursue. Also, although some students were given a placement test to determine the correct level they should be in, they confessed that they are still stuck even at elementary level, which raised my concerns about their competences. I just don't really know what to do. Hey, how about asking or ventilating about this on Reddit or some teaching forums? Maybe they'll understand and have great advice for a new teacher like me.
Alright, until next time, see ya.
Lots of love & Happy Christmas!
